heckyeatumblr#4.

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4. When I was younger...

Dear 14 year old Chloe,

Happy Birthday. Have a wonderful day. See you in six years, where I would like to tell you that you will be living in an exotic land, chasing dreams with a gorgeous boy holding your hand, succeeding academically, loving your life and grabbing every single chance with (a little bit too much) intense devotion to being happy. 

You have no idea how much more complicated life will get. Don’t feel patronised, no one expects you to understand. In fact, you should embrace the fact that you don’t, and probably can’t. Life is huge. You are huge.  Continue. So much can happen. So much will happen. I can’t tell you how best to deal with it and you wouldn’t listen anyway. There are no messages you can leave yourself that will make a remote difference to how you will deal with a situation or emotion that will make a blind bit of difference to any of it. Just feel what you feel when you feel it and never be ashamed.

You will never truly or fully appreciate how beautiful anything is until it’s over or gone. But try. Don’t get annoyed with yourself when you fail: it’s ok to be sad sometimes. No one ‘expects’ anything else.

There will always be idiots in your life. There will always be idiots in the world: you can’t expect to get on with everyone and you can’t expect everyone to get along with you. It is hard, and it is upsetting. Know that they don’t have to have a huge impact on how you regard yourself. You have family and you have friends who love you the way they are. And if sometimes you feel otherwise, maybe sometimes you feel alone, just hang on. Hang on and remember: you have a lifetime’s worth of friends out there. So many people will pass in and out of your life, and you always have the opportunity to grab onto the ones who you feel will enrich it. And there will be plenty.

Life carries on after school. Don’t tell anyone I said this but: (it’s not such a big deal.). Life gets bigger. I think life is getting better. Every birthday I have had so far, I think to myself: “That was the best year of my life.”.

Know that your motivation gives you the fuel you need to follow your ideas, intentions and dreams across through to the next ones: and these journeys are made by you. You can chose to let who shares it with you in most respects. You chose the paths you take. You are making this. Credit yourself.

That’s a bit of a joke coming from me.

You will say ‘I love you’ to five different men by the age of 20. By the age of 20, you will only really be sure about one of them, and that might just be because of a chord you just heard a few hours ago....No, this doesn’t get easier. Yes, it does get better.

You owe your family everything. Get to know your grandparents. Get to know your uncle. Immerse yourself in your family. Let them know what they mean to you: never let this pass them by.

By the end of this year, you will have a boyfriend. So stop worrying. (Because we both know that that's all you're really worried about.)

Love you,

20 year old Chloe x

NB this may have been recycled from when I wrote it a few years ago...

adele.

amnesty.

http://gu.com/p/2z728

pea green boat.

heckyeatumblr#3

http://tumblr.com/xsx1xkgzm5


3. Write about a terrible day.


Mum and Dad had got a phone call and left in a hurry with no explanation. Later on they called us to tell us that they were on their way to my Aunty Jane's and that my Uncle David had been in an accident, but that they were waiting on news.


As it turns out, David had been killed a couple of hours before in a car accident. He hated driving, and rarely did, but he'd had a work meeting in London and had been in a traffic jam on the way home when a  lorry driver, asleep behind the wheel, drove into the back of his car. There were 5 other cars and there was 1 other fatality.


Because there was no warning, and there was no time for goodbye, or for messages...David's death will always have significant resonance with me. When we were growing up, he was always there: birthdays, Christmas, even some holidays. He was the fun one. He would throw us up into the air, take us to the zoo, wrestle us to the ground...and it was always even more hilarious because Jane was such the opposite: she, like me, was and is a severe worrier. Having David around just gave her someone to bounce off of, to laugh with, to take things less seriously with (at least that's how I perceived it anyway). That David was such a part of my childhood, and that his part in my life did lessen as I grew up, and then he left so quickly: it feels almost rude. I doesn't feel real. I feel like I didn't matter to him, or that maybe none of us did. It's all so painfully unfair; that he couldn't say goodbye, or how he would remember us. Because I only truely knew him as a child, I want so desperately to have known him as an adult too. I know it's selfish to bring this back to me: but I wanted him to see me grow up. I wanted to make him proud.


I remember talking to him about GCSE options and all he had to say was 'pick the one with the most field trips: even if it means taking German (I hated German); if you can go to Germany, do it.' Him and Jane travelled all over the world. 


I just remember the shock. I remember the disbelief.


The shock has gone, but the disbelief will remain I think. I just wish that I had known him better. Better yet, that I still knew him. 

anger.

As I type, my ears are falling victim to 'Anger' tag radio on last.fm. Feel free to add your own background music. Just make sure it's angry.

In the past 4 years of study, I have had some wonderful wonderful experiences. Coming to university has been the single greatest decision I have ever made.

HOWEVER. When I graduate, I don't just want a BSc (Hons). I also want an Honorary Patience Diploma.

In the past four years of study, I have lived with some truly beautiful, intelligent, fun, enlightening, open minded and genuine people. And in their own little way, I have loved each and every one of them for the special person they are.

HOWEVER.

In the past four years of study, I have lived with some selfish, ignorant and dirty idiots too. I still value who they are and enjoy their company, and I have no doubt we will stay in touch. But I can't wait to not be sharing any of my space with them any more.

That you can share a living space with just 4 other friends without holding any regard for their lifestyle or attitudes is just mind boggling. And it never fails to be. I have hit breaking point so many times. I have cried so many times. I have screamed so many times. I have had countless patient little talks so many times. But it will never come to anything.

I know that there isn't long to go. I know that these people are my friends. But the fact that I know, and my friends know, and my family know that I am far from an unreasonable person- but that I am admitting that I am finding this to be a HUGE mental strain to maintain politeness around these people - has to mean something.

It's time to grow up now.

So clean your fucking shit up.

To put it bluntly, this is all I want:
Hoover floors at least once a week/ when they are dirty!
Clean the sink and draining board at least once a week/ when they are empty!
Empty the bins when they are full!
Wipe down the stove when you have finished cooking!
Clean out the microwave if you make it dirty/ notice it's already dirty!
Do you like looking at pubes on the sink while you're brushing your teeth? Clean the sink when it's dirty!
Clean the shower tray once a week/ when you can see it's dirty!
Put rubbish in the bin (that one's a real challenge.)
Abide by the rules of the contract: yes, our landlord is a dick. This doesn't mean that your disregard of the contract is a good way to get back at him: it means he is much more likely to keep our deposit...So yes, a bit of a paradox there. But just fucking do it, because it's my fucking money.

Basically: yes, it takes effort to keep a house clean. But we're adults living in a shared space. More importantly, we're friends living in a shared space. So respect our space, respect me, respect each other.

Yup.

Now I am going to go for a very very angry run and burn lots and lots of calories. Then I am going to get drunk.

Then I won't be angry anymore.

sam.

i'm yours.