spaces.

we have been apart before, but this feels different, further. even though i am in the same country as him now, i still feel further away than i did when i was in a different hemisphere.

i have built my own life in this little town, far away from the city we live in. i have friends, a job, a schedule, shared experiences. i settled in faster and easier here than i did when i was living with him.

it's very hard not to try and plan and predict what could happen. it's only very occasionally that i let myself just be with what is here and now.

rushed.

a couple of years ago, i was lucky enough to get away from just about every part of the world that i was familiar with (ok, except for the english language) and find myself living in the homes of some inspiring people whilst i worked with them on whatever projects they had going. these projects included, but were not limited to: rescuing tropical birds from orchard netting, ripping up parasitic plants from their non-native soils, tending generous vegetable gardens, walking escaped ponies home along winding roads at 5AM, teaching english to french, korean, japanese and belgian people and building kangaroo-proof fencing.

while i took the time to complete said projects, i also used the time to think. i think a lot already, i know this. but having the time and space to think in a completely new and unfamiliar framework, surrounded by people who i didn't know and who didn't know me, let me rebuild a lot of my preformed opinions and interpretations.

as the time between this period of rejuvenation (of myself, and of several over-grown gardens) and 'now' gets longer, i can feel those vital thought processes and conclusions slipping away. they don't feel relevant anymore.

it's so easy to get tied up in the now. there are so few occasions these days when i feel i am in control of my feelings and my fears. though i was able to take that time, so long ago now, to regroup and to reassess my attitudes, the lessons i taught myself are getting forgotten. i feel as though every day, i am standing in a hole, and all this dirt keeps getting shoveled in on top of me. i keep forgetting to step up, and so i am slowly getting buried.

it's sad to think that the only way i can regain control of my thoughts and my well-being is by going on holiday, and physically removing myself from the world i have come to associate with negativity. i can't afford (financially and temporally) to go travelling for months at a time every time i start to feel inundated with pressures. which are going to be coming fast and lose from now until the day i die.

i need to start to be able to channel all my lessons and my love into a place where they can be addressed and taken care of, properly, or i'll sink. i am hoping that by moving closer to some old freinds, i'll find that place.

flexible.

i know i'm only 22, hardly a lifetime of wisdom. but it keeps hammering down on me, this one chunk of advice, mantra, testament, whatever.

rigid plans are pointless. fluidity is a necessity and so, with this comes acceptance; comes contentment.

fighting.

every time i tell someone new or old, a relative or a friend, a co-worker or a stranger about my plans for the next 18 months of my life, i find myself fighting.

admittedly, not aggressively, but definitely passionately. i fight to defend my plans against their criticisms or implied opinions. i also have to fight to stay positive about my plans in my own mind, which is difficult when no-one seems to have many qualms on giving me their thoughts about it all.

i can't expect people not to give their opinions, and i know that no-one does it to upset me, or even to provoke any sort of emotion or lingering thought. but obviously it does.

i have to keep asserting the facts and the reasons as to why i am doing what i am doing, and also why it really doesn't matter what 95% of people who have an opinion on the matter say or think.

although i know that this could all fall down, and that i will miss my family, friends and this country, and that   i didn't work hard for four years as a scientist to be a waitress or a cleaner or a telemarketer...i also know that 

this is the oppurtunity of a lifetime.

my passion, my qualifications, my ambition and my spirit aren't going anywhere. my career can wait. my heart can't. i'm not throwing anything away. quite the opposite in fact; i'm spreading my arms so far wide with such enthusiastic openness, a willingness to learn, and no pre-judgement or specified intention that i'll scoop up anything i can get.

this is what i tell anyone who doubts me...

...but it's also what i have to tell myself. 

four years on a shoe-string.

an old friend of mine is due to start at uni in september, and asked me (as I have JUST finished my degree!) if i had any advice as regards to cheap living. what a perfect blog opportunity! here goes...

1. budgeting

work out a weekly budget and stick to it! it's worth considering that occasionally time will call for 'one off' items outside of a normal spend; make a note of what these things are likely to be (ie work clothes, books, urgent trips home) so that you don't end up straying off budget with the excuse that that pair of heels/ ben and jerrys stash/ amazon splurge 'doesn't count' because it was only a 'one off' spend. let's be realistic here.

a really great way to stick to your budget is to withdraw the amount you intend to spend each week on the first day of the week; and then leave your card at home if you think you might still be tempted. every time you open your purse, you will know exactly how well you have been spending/ splurging because the evidence is right there!

if you have any left over at the end of the week, you can be cheeky and let it roll over into the next week and have an extravagant 7 days (because you're only human after all), OR you could be a proper goody-two-shoes about this and pop it in a piggy bank. allocate a use for your savings: paying bills, buying birthday and christmas gifts OR just treating yourself; if your piggy bank is nice and heavy, you've earned a treat anyway. GUILT FREE!

when you go food shopping, make a list! don't be tempted by things just because they are on offer. yes, i know it's 2 for £1, but do you really need those party canopes?!

2. lunch time

meet your two new best friends, mr tupperware and mr thermos flask.

there are several ways to save money at lunch time, and it's really important to try to do so as it's unbelievable how much you can end up spending;
a cup of tea: £1.50
a mid morning snack: 75p
a sandwich/ snack/ drink meal deal: £3
....that's just over £5 a day...that's £25 a week!

SO...

you could prep yourself a sandwich each day (loaf of bread, some sliced ham or chicken or cheese, some salady bits = £8 for the week)

you could make enough food at dinner time to have some left over for lunch the next day (caution; will power is required so as not to eat it all at once...)

you could take a thermos of soup each day, plus a few slices of bread/ ryvita/ rice cakes.

as regards snacks: fruit, dried fruit and nuts, carrot sticks are a cheap and healthy alternative to things like crisps and cereal bars. also, if you can buy fruit and nut mixes/ trail mixes etc by weight from a market, it's generally cheaper than buying from the supermarket. and you generally get more choice too.

it sounds really cheeky, but some union coffee outlets or staff canteens will let you have free boiling water...bung a few fruit tea bags in your handbag and save on pricey teas and coffee.


3. dinner time

if you get along with your housemates, suggest taking it in turns to cook for each other. this saves time, and it's cheaper to cook a meal for x number of people every x number of days than it is to cook a meal for one every night of the week. alternatively, cook enough for several days and freeze some. again, portion control is key here...


4. keeping track


i always strived to do this but have only just really started to be really strict with myself. keep a record (in a notebook, on a wall chart, in an excel file) of how much you have spent each week and what you have spent it on; it's a lot easier to keep track of everything. if you have a part time job too, write in how much you have earned. this has only just become really useful for me because i'm saving hard, so it's good to see how far i have to go before i reach my target.

5. don't stress


 stay smart, don't panic, HAVE FUN.


as a wise woman once told me,

'even if i could tell you just how fast time flies, you would never believe me'

that said, try not to look so far into the future (ie post deadline parties, end of year celebrations or even graduation) that you miss out on what's happening right NOW!

good luck amy, you'll have a ball :)

careers.

I was wrong, before.

I can still feel like a human being when I am at work. I can still be myself, and be creative and happy. Just because I am not in a museum, or a foreign country, or out with friends, or in a position of influence in my job, it doesn't mean that I have to put myself on hold.

Considering the decision I have made, to put my career on hold for the next 15 months at least, it's really important that I get this notion out of my head that 'life begins when you have a career.' Every day is an opportunity to meet new people, to discover new things (about yourself and about the world), whether you are travelling the world or working in a corner shop, looking after your children or working in a school.

Neither of us have ever 'put our lives on hold', and we never will. There is no such thing.

super powers.

I'm a super hero when I wear my housekeepers' uniform.

• I'm invisible.
• I'm a mind-reader.
• I make tea approximately 120 times a day.

I'm my OWN mother-effin' role model.

But seriously...I am dreading staying in work like this for the next two years...even if I AM in Australia. I need to find something to do which makes me feel like an actual human being in my spare time, because it's not happening in my work time.

in control.

I am in control.

I have been working hard all semester...all year...fuck that, all DEGREE.

If I don't do well, it's because I was incapable of doing well. I'll get what I deserve.

Roughly 40 hours to go before my first exam. I know that it's typical of me to have a panic and a kerfuffle before then. I know that that point will come when I sit back and look at EVERYTHING I have to know, and when I ask myself how much of it I DO know. SO I'm not going to do that. There's no point. All I can do is keep going; there's no point in assessing whether I am already there, because if I'm not, no good can come of panicking, it's not like it's going to magic me some time out of nowhere. At this stage, there is no need for 'time allocation' or planning. It's obvious what I need to do. And I'll do it. And I'm only going to look up when I'm in the clear. When I'm finished with the exam.

This post is boring but reassuring.

Shhh.

heckyeatumblr#6.

http://tumblr.com/xsx1xkgzm5

6. Write about the person you want to be.

I want to be happy with who I am, and what I can achieve.

I want to be able to actively acknowledge that the my personal wellbeing and health are more important than hours of work I complete in a day.

I want to be able to find the idea of an uncertain future exciting, motivational and inspiring, instead of just plain terrifying.

I want to be able to tell everyone that I love, that I love them and all the reasons why, without feeling embarrassed or shy.

As  regards appearance, without meaing to go all Pussy Cat Doll on yo' ass, if I could just form some sort of hybrid of the above beautiful and inspiring and talented women, that would be pretty awesome too.

the beginning of the end.

Today I handed in my dissertation.

But there were no fireworks, and there was no confetti, and there wasn't even any heroic music in the background.

This was strange.

I proceeded to drink four pints and two shots (on my own partially), then go home and sleep for three hours. Tonight I was supposed to go out and party...

But TBH all I want to do is cuddle up and watch a movie film with my gorgeous boyfriend. I think tonight be the most I have missed The Boy since he left. At least until now I could re-assure myself that I could be productive in his absence. And I could distract myself. 

I want someone to be here to hold me, and tell me I did good. I want someone to eat ice cream with (not that I don't eat ice cream...on my own...in the dark...sobbing). I want to hear all about the random shit he did when he was little. I want to feel awesome about a decision to not go out cos I know there is no such thing as wasting time when I'm with him. 

I just miss you. I am watching Muppet Treasure Island in your honour. And Little Tom gave me ice-cream for my birthday so I will probs eat B&J in your honour too. If I had rum, I would drink it.

I can't wait to share my life with you, even the naff bits where there aren't any fireworks.

real life.

first time applying for a real life job. though it's not paid. so maybe it's not real...

anyway.

it dawned on me that i already know how this will go.

if i get it: i'll know that the position/ organisation is shit.
if i don't get it: i'll know i'm shit.

this is truly how i real about myself. and i realise that this is representative of a number of aspects of my life.

yup.

shady baby.

plants which sense competition from neighbouring plants do so by being able to detect the wavelengths of light hitting them. light which has passed through green leaves is has a high proportion of 'far red' light. lots of plants respond to this 'far red' by growing taller to out-compete their neighbours.

plants which are preyed upon by insects release a stress hormone which catalyses the plant's synthesis of compounds which are toxic to the insects. part of this response involves the stunting of plant growth: it has been assumed that this is to 'switch' the main energy consuming processes of the plant from growth to this toxic compound synthesis.

it has been hypothesised previously that far red light responses can happen because part of the far red light response inhibits the stress hormone 'growth stunt'.

i am investigating this!

i have 10 different modified lines of the plant model species Arabidopsis thaliana.

some of lines have a mutation in a signalling protein responsible for light and/or jasmonate (a plant stress hormone) responses.

some of the lines have significant proteins of interest (ie cyclin, which is only synthesised in actively dividing cells) hooked up to a 'reporter' construct which turns blue upon staining.

some of the lines have a mutation AND a reporter construct.

i have grown up 20x of each line in each of the following conditions:

white light without jasmonate 

white light with jasmonate

far red light without jasmonate

far red light with jasmonate

and i can assess each plants response to the conditions by:

i) measuring hypercotyl (immature stem)

ii) looking for blue spots after staining of the reporter lines

therefore I have 8 of the following plates:

this is my life at the moment.

this dissertation is worth 20 credits.

i am also studying 5 other modules worth 20 credits:

cellular signalling

genes, genomes and genomics

microbial biotechnology

cell biology and mechanisms of disease

food domestication and sustainability

all of these are assessed by 30% coursework and 70% exam.

I WANT TO GRADUATE ALREADY.

rewards.

As I trundle through readings and essays, practical reports and lecture notes, the future seems bleak.

I absorb myself into the routine of work, and expect myself to meet standards I rarely ever do. Does this mean I am not trying hard enough, or that I am lazy?

Working my hardest at an assignment and at my entire career tends to absorb all of my energy. I rarely have enough energy or love or positive feeling left in me at the end of the day than do anything but watch rubbish television whilst I feel sorry for myself for not getting enough done.

I don't know how to change. I want to be happier. But in making more time for myself, I know my studies will suffer, and as a consequence any time gained is tinged with guilt. Is there any way I can work hard whilst being happy with what I have achieved at the end of each day? And when, time and time again, people older than me tell me how 'these are the best days of my life', how is it even possible to stay upbeat when, in other words: 'It's all uphill from here.'

Feeling run down, tired, guilty and worthless today. And made worse by the fact that I know, realistically, I am one of the lucky ones.