heart breaking.

today i met a canadian girl who has come to australia to be with her australian boyfriend.

she hasn't been to uni yet but she really wants to, but she can't afford to study here and her boyfriend can't get a job in canada.

she wants to travel with her friends in asia.

she loves her boyfriend but she misses having her own friends and life.

she doesn't want to make a decision, so she isn't going to yet.

spaces.

we have been apart before, but this feels different, further. even though i am in the same country as him now, i still feel further away than i did when i was in a different hemisphere.

i have built my own life in this little town, far away from the city we live in. i have friends, a job, a schedule, shared experiences. i settled in faster and easier here than i did when i was living with him.

it's very hard not to try and plan and predict what could happen. it's only very occasionally that i let myself just be with what is here and now.

ldr.

We flow and merge like fluid; We can inhabit just one space, one body, one mind, where words are unnecessary to communicate the intimacy, the connection, the undeniable wholeness that We occupy.

that ‘space’ between Us is merely physics, a force unrecognisable in the luminescence of the energy We effortlessly generate.

the weight of each other’s hearts  presses in on the distances between us. We feed on the strength and consistency of each other’s longing and loving and We know We will be together again.

equilibrium, where no forces oppose Our state, is met in each other’s arms.

life is not a collection of metabolic processes, but the collection of the numbers and ways Our hearts respond to each other. responses when they beat against each other or when they call out to each other across the time and space that may fall between Our bodies (but never Our minds). 

finally.

splitscreen: a love story

fighting.

every time i tell someone new or old, a relative or a friend, a co-worker or a stranger about my plans for the next 18 months of my life, i find myself fighting.

admittedly, not aggressively, but definitely passionately. i fight to defend my plans against their criticisms or implied opinions. i also have to fight to stay positive about my plans in my own mind, which is difficult when no-one seems to have many qualms on giving me their thoughts about it all.

i can't expect people not to give their opinions, and i know that no-one does it to upset me, or even to provoke any sort of emotion or lingering thought. but obviously it does.

i have to keep asserting the facts and the reasons as to why i am doing what i am doing, and also why it really doesn't matter what 95% of people who have an opinion on the matter say or think.

although i know that this could all fall down, and that i will miss my family, friends and this country, and that   i didn't work hard for four years as a scientist to be a waitress or a cleaner or a telemarketer...i also know that 

this is the oppurtunity of a lifetime.

my passion, my qualifications, my ambition and my spirit aren't going anywhere. my career can wait. my heart can't. i'm not throwing anything away. quite the opposite in fact; i'm spreading my arms so far wide with such enthusiastic openness, a willingness to learn, and no pre-judgement or specified intention that i'll scoop up anything i can get.

this is what i tell anyone who doubts me...

...but it's also what i have to tell myself. 

careers.

I was wrong, before.

I can still feel like a human being when I am at work. I can still be myself, and be creative and happy. Just because I am not in a museum, or a foreign country, or out with friends, or in a position of influence in my job, it doesn't mean that I have to put myself on hold.

Considering the decision I have made, to put my career on hold for the next 15 months at least, it's really important that I get this notion out of my head that 'life begins when you have a career.' Every day is an opportunity to meet new people, to discover new things (about yourself and about the world), whether you are travelling the world or working in a corner shop, looking after your children or working in a school.

Neither of us have ever 'put our lives on hold', and we never will. There is no such thing.

pushing forwards.

musings in the marks and spencer underwear department on a very slow and hungover day

with most feelings or experiences, when experienced for a set duration, they come to a head and culminate in some sort of expression or occurance.

with pain, you snatch your hand away from the hot surface, say 'ow', get your burn treated and eventually it subsides.

with happiness, you smile and laugh.

with sadness, there is a process of grieving. 

but when i miss you, it just keeps going. i'm not grieving, because we are both in each others lives. but i'm not happy, because we are not in each others lives the way i would like for us to be. i'm just stuck here, in this same place in my head and my heart, with no real change or relief, as the missing feeds forward and forward into more missing.

a day in the park set.

the date is set but the details are hazy.

i'm going home to see my beautiful boy and a few lovely friends, but leaving home and my beautiful friends and family behind.

things like this are helping to get excited about what the future might bring, instead of worrying.

portobello in summer.

i want to show you england when it's not brown and murky. it can be really beautiful. summer makes everything better :)

i feel like i'm coming out of hibernation.

the beginning of the end.

Today I handed in my dissertation.

But there were no fireworks, and there was no confetti, and there wasn't even any heroic music in the background.

This was strange.

I proceeded to drink four pints and two shots (on my own partially), then go home and sleep for three hours. Tonight I was supposed to go out and party...

But TBH all I want to do is cuddle up and watch a movie film with my gorgeous boyfriend. I think tonight be the most I have missed The Boy since he left. At least until now I could re-assure myself that I could be productive in his absence. And I could distract myself. 

I want someone to be here to hold me, and tell me I did good. I want someone to eat ice cream with (not that I don't eat ice cream...on my own...in the dark...sobbing). I want to hear all about the random shit he did when he was little. I want to feel awesome about a decision to not go out cos I know there is no such thing as wasting time when I'm with him. 

I just miss you. I am watching Muppet Treasure Island in your honour. And Little Tom gave me ice-cream for my birthday so I will probs eat B&J in your honour too. If I had rum, I would drink it.

I can't wait to share my life with you, even the naff bits where there aren't any fireworks.