uppsala

summer 2008

pulp.

Don't you hate that? 

What? 

Uncomfortable silences. Why do we feel it's necessary to yak about bullshit in order to be comfortable? 

I don't know. That's a good question. 

That's when you know you've found somebody special. When you can just shut the fuck up for a minute and comfortably enjoy the silence.

DRUNK.

who would have thunky
i miss my man a lot
when i am drunky

fear.

patience.

You do not have to be good.

You do not have to walk on your knees

For a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.

You only have to let the soft animal of your body

love what it loves.

Tell me about your despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.

Meanwhile the world goes on.

Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain

are moving across the landscapes,

over the prairies and the deep trees,

the mountains and the rivers.

Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,

are heading home again.

Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,

the world offers itself to your imagination,

calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting --

over and over announcing your place

in the family of things.

Mary Oliver

denial.

vegemite for breakfast.

sushi, wedges and sour cream + sweet chilli for dinner.

simple.

all i want is you

my life according to someone cool i wish i could be like. aka the positive spin

i am 21.
i enjoy shopping and admiring all things cute and somewhat unusual.
i enjoy artsy magazines which don't tell me what not to wear, or what celebrity i should look like, or where i can get highstreet items, but instead inspire me, delight me, intrigue me.
i enjoy writing letters, memories, thoughts, poems, ideas.
i enjoy sewing - one day i will own a sewing machine, and i'll source vintage print fabric and make all my own beautiful dresses based on patterns acquired from flea markets.
i enjoy running: even though every time i go, i have to force myself, i always come back through the front door: red, exhausted, aching and proud. one day i'll make the perfect running play list.
i have a wonderful family.
i am at university.
when i graduate, i'm going to move to australia. how long i'll be able to stay is something i will have to work out later.
i never knew what love could be until i met Samuel John Wright. and every day i learn even more about what love is, and it makes me truly happy. if even just the notion of someone being yours to keep, to be with, to share yourself with, to share your life with, to share your thoughts with, to explore- can make two people happy, even when they are 10,000 miles away from each other, then i know we can make this work.
i like taking photos, but i wish i was less self concious and i'd take thousands more.

that's all i can think for now...

norwich.

tgif.

today was a good day.

i think it went well because i started it well: with a run, which never fails to cheer me up. yet it will always be a struggle to do it either i) first thing in the morning or ii) when i'm super depressed. oh body, you ironic little thing you.

no-one can be sad in a dress bought from a side street store with the label 'tumbling cat print' + brogues

all things homely and British

all things royal

earlham park has seen sunnier days it can be said

oh uea is wonderful

very norfolk

some spring-y greens are starting to peep through those hardy winter browns...

tree cluster on the broad

interesting buildings that always remind me of silly silly first year times

productivity + cuteness = passable boredom

good (bad) food

vintage game shows

more good (bad) food

...and some muriel + a doona.

little things.

xoxo

trying.

I tried to write you a reply today.
I tried to make it upbeat.
I tried to make it interesting.


I gave up.
I'm sorry.

xoxo

moo.

Field trip to Easton College Farm for my Food Domestication and Sustainability module. One of the other guys asked how much the 'bulk carcass weight' of an average highland cow would be. I told him off.

romania.

Brasov, Romania

shady baby.

plants which sense competition from neighbouring plants do so by being able to detect the wavelengths of light hitting them. light which has passed through green leaves is has a high proportion of 'far red' light. lots of plants respond to this 'far red' by growing taller to out-compete their neighbours.

plants which are preyed upon by insects release a stress hormone which catalyses the plant's synthesis of compounds which are toxic to the insects. part of this response involves the stunting of plant growth: it has been assumed that this is to 'switch' the main energy consuming processes of the plant from growth to this toxic compound synthesis.

it has been hypothesised previously that far red light responses can happen because part of the far red light response inhibits the stress hormone 'growth stunt'.

i am investigating this!

i have 10 different modified lines of the plant model species Arabidopsis thaliana.

some of lines have a mutation in a signalling protein responsible for light and/or jasmonate (a plant stress hormone) responses.

some of the lines have significant proteins of interest (ie cyclin, which is only synthesised in actively dividing cells) hooked up to a 'reporter' construct which turns blue upon staining.

some of the lines have a mutation AND a reporter construct.

i have grown up 20x of each line in each of the following conditions:

white light without jasmonate 

white light with jasmonate

far red light without jasmonate

far red light with jasmonate

and i can assess each plants response to the conditions by:

i) measuring hypercotyl (immature stem)

ii) looking for blue spots after staining of the reporter lines

therefore I have 8 of the following plates:

this is my life at the moment.

this dissertation is worth 20 credits.

i am also studying 5 other modules worth 20 credits:

cellular signalling

genes, genomes and genomics

microbial biotechnology

cell biology and mechanisms of disease

food domestication and sustainability

all of these are assessed by 30% coursework and 70% exam.

I WANT TO GRADUATE ALREADY.

overwhelmed.

however my days my pass...

there is always this constant.

perspective.

I went railing round Europe for a few weeks back in 2008 and I hated on my shitty cheap camera the whole time.

Having a nose around old files and I rediscovered my then 'shameful' images that I took. 

In the past 3 years, something about me must have changed because I now LOVE them all...

be prepared for some sporadic postings of said photographs... 

Mostar, Bosnia and Herzegovina

musical memories.

some of my favourites from recent years.

this was a lot of fun to make, and perhaps my most chirpy entry yet!

to quote russell brand: "s'nice".

 mystery jets and some floaty skillz 'n' rainbows

 kesha for bad pop and good memories

arcade fire are beautiful as ever

 bat for lashes with some creepy friends

 megan washington makes me proud to be four eyed

 laura marling in all her gorgeousness

 ok go for some fun times

karnivool

xoxo

surprises.

are better than monotony.

I've been waiting for things to click for a while. Moments of clarity often peep through the clouds that I feel tend to hover above my days, but they slip through my fingers.

I want to make a change. I want to be a happier person:

Not afraid of the future, but excited.

Not 'concerned' about my grades and work, but 'passionate'.

Not so much just 'open' but 'embracing'. 

I'm not just going to wait for happiness to appear; I'll wring my days dry and savour every drop.

I'll make this promise to myself (and to you, lover).

No more new years resolutions, no more looking onto tomorrow to make change. The change is now, it's today, it's every day. Every day that I am not content, I'll ask myself why, and I will make my change.

hiding.

...because I don't know what else to do.

I like the show Supernanny. Because a) you get to see how screwed up other peoples lives are and b) there is always a happy ending. I want there to be a version for people who have all kinds of problems, not just problematic children....So I could call in an expert, have them show me how be assertive with my misery, in telling it it is 'unacceptable', and how to send it to a Naughty Corner, and how to keep it tucked up nicely in bed. I understand that a lot of work is involved, but once you are up the hill, you're up the hill. 

I'm tired, that's all. I hate that I am miserable. But I can't remember how to be anything else. 

Help?

cosy.

I'm a victim of effeminate and unnecessary mood swings. They dictate my lifestyle. 

For the most part of the day I was convinced that there was no reason to be anything other than complacent, and so I went about my business in such a manner that I would always see the world through these eyes and with this attachment, and that this perspective is the only perspective.

All it takes is a sudden whim of pride, self acceptance or understanding, and I'm welcomed back Home.

Both of these places hold such a severe and passionate grasping sense of 'belonging'. It's just a battle, over which I have little control.