spaces.

we have been apart before, but this feels different, further. even though i am in the same country as him now, i still feel further away than i did when i was in a different hemisphere.

i have built my own life in this little town, far away from the city we live in. i have friends, a job, a schedule, shared experiences. i settled in faster and easier here than i did when i was living with him.

it's very hard not to try and plan and predict what could happen. it's only very occasionally that i let myself just be with what is here and now.

ldr.

We flow and merge like fluid; We can inhabit just one space, one body, one mind, where words are unnecessary to communicate the intimacy, the connection, the undeniable wholeness that We occupy.

that ‘space’ between Us is merely physics, a force unrecognisable in the luminescence of the energy We effortlessly generate.

the weight of each other’s hearts  presses in on the distances between us. We feed on the strength and consistency of each other’s longing and loving and We know We will be together again.

equilibrium, where no forces oppose Our state, is met in each other’s arms.

life is not a collection of metabolic processes, but the collection of the numbers and ways Our hearts respond to each other. responses when they beat against each other or when they call out to each other across the time and space that may fall between Our bodies (but never Our minds). 

lather. rinse. repeat.

"Feel very strange and empty. Is all very well thinking everything is going to be different when you come back but then is all same. Suppose I have to make it different. But what am I going to do with my life?

I know. Will eat some cheese."

-Bridget Jones

social networking.

annoys me but yet i cannot leave it alone.

i'm a terrible person.

new.

here i am, in newcastle, new south wales, living in my new house, with my newly-non-long-distance boyfriend.

newcastle is a strange place. i find myself getting frustrated with it, but i think one of the main reasons is its utter non-englishness. now, as an individual who has elected to move here out of choice, this is probably something i need to get over.

it's such a sparse city. as a non-driver, this is pretty dampening...i'm so used to being able to walk or cycle everywhere, or at least being able to cycle or catch a bus to a specific hustly-bustly centre, where everything i need is within easy walking radius. but now, i'm landed in a loosely associated muddle of suburbs, each with different amenities on offer. even though i live in 'central' newcastle, the nearest supermarket is a 15 minute bus ride away. i'm a 5 minute walk from the australian equivalent of the main 'high street', and it's fairly small, and never particularly busy. after spending the summer in london, i thought i would revel at the chance to shop in a quiet atmosphere. but it's just plain odd.

i think, subconsciously, i've grown up feeling that busy places are good places; where the people are is where the life is. if i were to walk to a store or a park and only see about 5 others en route, i would start to doubt whether the place was even open. where is everyone?! it makes me feel very disconnected; paranoid even.

i want to feel proud that this is my home; it's been a lot of work getting here. i know of lots of people who have grown up here and attended uni here, and are happy to seek work here. so there must be something to it. i just don't get it. are people in denial about this city, or am i just missing something? worse still; maybe the only reason this doesn't feel so homely is because it's not england.

i know what there is to love; the beaches, the gorgeous cafes, the bogey hole. but why don't i love it?

finally.

hostels.

going on my experiences with hostels in australia, whereby i treated them as merely places to sleep and grab a shower before i jumped on a bus to my next (more rural) destination, i was a little apprehensive about the concept of spending 3 weeks staying in these places during my time in the states, with little to no 'retreat' to a more 'homely' environment. the contrast between these accomodations; between staying with liberal families in their beautiful and unusual homes, to staying with young, excitable people in new and fast cities, fixed in my mind the attitude that hostels are not the most comfortable places to stay.

hostels can be pretty intimidating places. everyone there is there to have fun. which can make for a good party atmosphere, obviously, but it can also make for a competitive atmosphere. it's like the first week of uni, but all the time. in some situations, it can feel like everyone is out to impress everyone else. the thing is, in a hostel, everyone has an interesting story to tell; they're all travellers! they're all explorers, they're all away from home, they're all trying to make the most of their time in whatever city they find themselves in. some of the more arrogant people don't seem to acknowledge this; that maybe, they're not the most interesting person in the room. during my time in australia, i got this vibe a lot.

however, like a lot of situations, when i started to relax into the environment, i didn't perceive nearly as many negative feelings or attitudes. the first week i spent in the usa, i spent in a hostel. and i didn't ever feel pressured or intimidated or overwhelmed by other people's personalities.

this has been a bit of a rambling entry. but i think the main point is;

if you start to shed your prejudices about an environment or a situation, it can start to appear in a different light. and that light is often worth taking a look at.