realisation.

searching through old files on the train home for something to do.

"The importance and passion of my life is screaming, screaming so violently and desperately from beneath piles and years worth of assurances that trying hard will get me everything I need. I’m so desperate to get everything I need, in case I miss out or lose or die or fail, I am listening to these assurances.

I am listening for clues, for help about how to live my life.

I am listening so hard I can’t even see what’s in front of me, and always has been. Love is life is living."

i think i have had this same thought process a hundred times. but still my insides curl and squeeze at the thought and fear of every day living. just hoping one day i'll hold on to that realisation.