lather. rinse. repeat.

"Feel very strange and empty. Is all very well thinking everything is going to be different when you come back but then is all same. Suppose I have to make it different. But what am I going to do with my life?

I know. Will eat some cheese."

-Bridget Jones

social networking.

annoys me but yet i cannot leave it alone.

i'm a terrible person.

new.

here i am, in newcastle, new south wales, living in my new house, with my newly-non-long-distance boyfriend.

newcastle is a strange place. i find myself getting frustrated with it, but i think one of the main reasons is its utter non-englishness. now, as an individual who has elected to move here out of choice, this is probably something i need to get over.

it's such a sparse city. as a non-driver, this is pretty dampening...i'm so used to being able to walk or cycle everywhere, or at least being able to cycle or catch a bus to a specific hustly-bustly centre, where everything i need is within easy walking radius. but now, i'm landed in a loosely associated muddle of suburbs, each with different amenities on offer. even though i live in 'central' newcastle, the nearest supermarket is a 15 minute bus ride away. i'm a 5 minute walk from the australian equivalent of the main 'high street', and it's fairly small, and never particularly busy. after spending the summer in london, i thought i would revel at the chance to shop in a quiet atmosphere. but it's just plain odd.

i think, subconsciously, i've grown up feeling that busy places are good places; where the people are is where the life is. if i were to walk to a store or a park and only see about 5 others en route, i would start to doubt whether the place was even open. where is everyone?! it makes me feel very disconnected; paranoid even.

i want to feel proud that this is my home; it's been a lot of work getting here. i know of lots of people who have grown up here and attended uni here, and are happy to seek work here. so there must be something to it. i just don't get it. are people in denial about this city, or am i just missing something? worse still; maybe the only reason this doesn't feel so homely is because it's not england.

i know what there is to love; the beaches, the gorgeous cafes, the bogey hole. but why don't i love it?

finally.

hostels.

going on my experiences with hostels in australia, whereby i treated them as merely places to sleep and grab a shower before i jumped on a bus to my next (more rural) destination, i was a little apprehensive about the concept of spending 3 weeks staying in these places during my time in the states, with little to no 'retreat' to a more 'homely' environment. the contrast between these accomodations; between staying with liberal families in their beautiful and unusual homes, to staying with young, excitable people in new and fast cities, fixed in my mind the attitude that hostels are not the most comfortable places to stay.

hostels can be pretty intimidating places. everyone there is there to have fun. which can make for a good party atmosphere, obviously, but it can also make for a competitive atmosphere. it's like the first week of uni, but all the time. in some situations, it can feel like everyone is out to impress everyone else. the thing is, in a hostel, everyone has an interesting story to tell; they're all travellers! they're all explorers, they're all away from home, they're all trying to make the most of their time in whatever city they find themselves in. some of the more arrogant people don't seem to acknowledge this; that maybe, they're not the most interesting person in the room. during my time in australia, i got this vibe a lot.

however, like a lot of situations, when i started to relax into the environment, i didn't perceive nearly as many negative feelings or attitudes. the first week i spent in the usa, i spent in a hostel. and i didn't ever feel pressured or intimidated or overwhelmed by other people's personalities.

this has been a bit of a rambling entry. but i think the main point is;

if you start to shed your prejudices about an environment or a situation, it can start to appear in a different light. and that light is often worth taking a look at.

lessons from nyc.

1. Eating healthy food will cost approximately 7 times as much as eating unhealthy food.


2. If you show interest in sub-way serenaders, they will show interest in you. Persistently, and also physically.


3. Standard drinks do not exist in Manhattan.


4. "Vodka and Sprite" is NOT the same as "vodka and lemonade". NB: It is, but don't get into an argument with a Polish barmaid in Brooklyn about it.

5. Never attempt to use your understanding of the London tube network as a reference for your understanding of the NYC subway network. It is, most definitely, nowhere near the same.

6. If you think something is worth seeing, chances are, several hundred people agree with you and they are all waiting to see it too. Be prepared to queue (in a wholly disorganised and un-British manner).

7.  Just because a guy who looks like a local is standing at the curb looking ready to cross, it doesn't necessarily mean it's a good place to cross. It may actually be that he is just waiting for his dog to finish defacating. NB: There is no dignified way of walking away from said man once you have realised that you have just been stood next to a stranger and his defacating pet for a good few minutes for no reason.

8. Cheese as NY knows it is not the same as the rest of the world knows it. Therefore: always hold the cheese (please).

9. The Statue of Liberty isn't as big as you'd imagine. But you will still squeal out loud the first time you see it (well...I did).

10. The best stuff that'll happen is the kind of stuff you never really considered that would happen. This includes, but is not limited to:
-eavesdropping a high school field trip to the Met, and being amazed at how articulate young Americans actually are.
-watching parents interact with their kids. Anywhere. And realising that maybe there is some attraction in having children after all.
-getting danced on by a tiny Chinese guy, telling him you have a boyfriend and indicating a random black guy, then watching tiny Chinese guy go and shake a strangers hand.
-catching an open mic night by accident.
-sitting with and talking to a psychology professor in a deli because it was the only place there was left to sit.

11. Always tip your waiters and waitresses, thank you very much and goodnight.

wall street.

lincoln.

old york.

this playlist will change your life.

1. new slang - the shins
2. goodbye england (covered in snow) - laura marling
3. enchanting ghost - sufjan stevens
4. out of the airlock - paul dempsey
5. justboy - biffy clyro
6. lindisfarne II - james blake
7. to build a home - cinematic orchestra
8. fields of gold - eva cassidy
9. shake it off - florence + the machine
10. call it off - tegan and sara
11. first day of my life - bright eyes
12. razor - foo fighters

edge.

you know that feeling you get when you're at the peak of a rollercoaster waiting for it to fall?

i've been feeling that for about 72 hours solid. i have never felt such intensity of emotion. it's terrifying, it's exhausting, it's overwhelming...

it's FUN!

three cheers for being an over-emotional blundering babbling clumsy absent-minded twat!

shake.

fuck i love you miss florence.

under pressure.

i will never forgive my parents for not going to this gig. 

acceptance.

a great way of encouraging all the best parts of you to shine through,
a great way of stimulating of your own acceptance of who you are and where you fit;

is to surround yourself with good friends whose diverse characters and skills have led them through equally diverse places and positions and experiences,

...to remind yourself that the entire notion of 'normality' is utter bullshit, and that happiness is everywhere you care to look for it.

everything is going to be ok. it's easier to remind yourself of this when your friends are supportive, and not competitive.

touch.

Close my eyes and move backwards from them into myself.

Touch you so intently that I become my fingertips.

I forget where the rest of my body is when it’s not touching you.

I am whispering to you with my fingertips and you are listening with your skin. Intently.

‘Yes’.

I am pushing the affirmation so far forward the words are tripping over themselves in such a rush to be heard by you.

We are so close I can hear your eyelashes disturb the air. I am jealous of it.

winter.

...maybe i will miss little bits of you.

after a while.

you realise time flies.

rushed.

a couple of years ago, i was lucky enough to get away from just about every part of the world that i was familiar with (ok, except for the english language) and find myself living in the homes of some inspiring people whilst i worked with them on whatever projects they had going. these projects included, but were not limited to: rescuing tropical birds from orchard netting, ripping up parasitic plants from their non-native soils, tending generous vegetable gardens, walking escaped ponies home along winding roads at 5AM, teaching english to french, korean, japanese and belgian people and building kangaroo-proof fencing.

while i took the time to complete said projects, i also used the time to think. i think a lot already, i know this. but having the time and space to think in a completely new and unfamiliar framework, surrounded by people who i didn't know and who didn't know me, let me rebuild a lot of my preformed opinions and interpretations.

as the time between this period of rejuvenation (of myself, and of several over-grown gardens) and 'now' gets longer, i can feel those vital thought processes and conclusions slipping away. they don't feel relevant anymore.

it's so easy to get tied up in the now. there are so few occasions these days when i feel i am in control of my feelings and my fears. though i was able to take that time, so long ago now, to regroup and to reassess my attitudes, the lessons i taught myself are getting forgotten. i feel as though every day, i am standing in a hole, and all this dirt keeps getting shoveled in on top of me. i keep forgetting to step up, and so i am slowly getting buried.

it's sad to think that the only way i can regain control of my thoughts and my well-being is by going on holiday, and physically removing myself from the world i have come to associate with negativity. i can't afford (financially and temporally) to go travelling for months at a time every time i start to feel inundated with pressures. which are going to be coming fast and lose from now until the day i die.

i need to start to be able to channel all my lessons and my love into a place where they can be addressed and taken care of, properly, or i'll sink. i am hoping that by moving closer to some old freinds, i'll find that place.

silent disco.

always my favorite way to party.

rage 2008.

The quality is terrible but you get the idea.

OH MY GOD. I have never felt so much excitement in a crowd. The anticipation. The heat. We were so ready for it you could feel it in the air. Mental. Amazing amazing amazing. 

Getting excited for the Foos in December. FUCK CHA.

all i want.

is for everyone to agree with me.

is that really so hard?!

:p

i don't know about my dreaming anymore.

lucky enough to catch this beauty twice at two very different british music festivals, latitude in suffolk and field day in london.

bruny island.

a beautiful island, with beautiful people. a perfect place to make some beautiful memories.

girls just wanna have fun (again)

good friends, good times. thanks for the memories. 

advice.

Advice, like youth, probably just wasted on the young

Wear sunscreen.

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long-term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded. But trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked. You are not as fat as you imagine.

Don't worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing every day that scares you.

Sing.

Don't be reckless with other people's hearts. Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Floss.

Don't waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long and, in the end, it's only with yourself.

Remember compliments you receive. Forget the insults. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters. Throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch.

Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don't.

Get plenty of calcium. Be kind to your knees. You'll miss them when they're gone.

Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. Your choices are half chance. So are everybody else's.

Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or of what other people think of it. It's the greatest instrument you'll ever own.

Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but your living room.

Read the directions, even if you don't follow them.

Do not read beauty magazines. They will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents. You never know when they'll be gone for good. Be nice to your siblings. They're your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the people who knew you when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard. Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft. Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths: Prices will rise. Politicians will philander. You, too, will get old. And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund. Maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse. But you never know when either one might run out.

Don't mess too much with your hair or by the time you're 40 it will look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen.

Mary Schmich

dreams.

i want to feel how i feel when i write all the time.

vertical farming.

a really fascinating concept. already live projects across the globe in japan, korea, chicago and manchester. I need to get to manchester before I leave or I fail at life.

if not i need to call in on this dude in chicago. 

taryn simon.

i have so many questions for this amazing woman. i have already been to the installation twice and i intend to go back at least twice more.

florence.

have i told you lately that i love you?

07/11/11

i am so very excited to hear o so much more, and it's even more exciting to think of all the wonderful memories i know i will be making in the back/foreground of all these pending sounds, just waiting to envelope my musical attention span.

curiosities and lessons.

1. is having a quiff and wearing a blazer with shoulder pads classed as 'power dressing'?

2. just how dressed down can you get on 'dressed down fridays'?

3. if in doubt - go with the tan shoes.

4. if you ever get lost, follow the people who are dressed most like you.

5. do you really need a career if you are already satisfied by your life?

6. no matter how much i hate it, 80% of the time i will cave to a trend. this includes shoulder pads, crop tops and harem pants. i'm a drone. who knew?!

aspiration: kingfisher.

...........sigh................

the little prince.

flexible.

i know i'm only 22, hardly a lifetime of wisdom. but it keeps hammering down on me, this one chunk of advice, mantra, testament, whatever.

rigid plans are pointless. fluidity is a necessity and so, with this comes acceptance; comes contentment.

splitscreen: a love story

streetwise opera.

i discovered this project at latitude festival this weekend, a nice surprise viewing while my friend and i waited for the london contemporary orchestra in the film and music arena. 

streetwise opera weekly workshop programme which brings together a collection of film makers, producers and performers, who all have experienced homelessness. the artists work together to create professional pieces and also to develop the skills, confidence and creativity of all those who attend and organise the gatherings. 

their most recent works is a collection of four short opera films, each based around a famous fable. the pieces work brilliantly alone, but when watched in succession, it really accentuates their differences and therefore indicates the intricacies of creative processes that led to the finished result, and just how delicately appropriate each detail of the performance is. 

http://www.streetwiseopera.org/fables/

cocknbullkid.

caught this act at latitude this weekend. anita blay gave a really gorgeous performance. i'd never heard any of her music before but i still danced like a loon and loved every minute. i particularly love this song, as i feel it rings pretty clear with where my boyfriend and i are at the moment. we drift between intense sadness and emptiness at not being together whilst still holding on to the wisdom we have gained in knowing that the only reason we are sad and empty is because we remember what it was like to be happy and full.

this is an obvious choice for a single from the album ('adulthood') , but everything she played was beautifully true, fun and glamorous (can noise be glamorous?).

the craft.

"we are the weirdos, mister."

ah, many an afternoon spent 'toiling' (ha) in the garden shed, surrounded by tea lights, writing spells, playing with ouija boards, and practising black magic. this was a normal thing for 12 year olds to do, right?

sufjan.

a new favourite artist.

favourite lyric: 'don't carry on carrying efforts'. here here.

fighting.

every time i tell someone new or old, a relative or a friend, a co-worker or a stranger about my plans for the next 18 months of my life, i find myself fighting.

admittedly, not aggressively, but definitely passionately. i fight to defend my plans against their criticisms or implied opinions. i also have to fight to stay positive about my plans in my own mind, which is difficult when no-one seems to have many qualms on giving me their thoughts about it all.

i can't expect people not to give their opinions, and i know that no-one does it to upset me, or even to provoke any sort of emotion or lingering thought. but obviously it does.

i have to keep asserting the facts and the reasons as to why i am doing what i am doing, and also why it really doesn't matter what 95% of people who have an opinion on the matter say or think.

although i know that this could all fall down, and that i will miss my family, friends and this country, and that   i didn't work hard for four years as a scientist to be a waitress or a cleaner or a telemarketer...i also know that 

this is the oppurtunity of a lifetime.

my passion, my qualifications, my ambition and my spirit aren't going anywhere. my career can wait. my heart can't. i'm not throwing anything away. quite the opposite in fact; i'm spreading my arms so far wide with such enthusiastic openness, a willingness to learn, and no pre-judgement or specified intention that i'll scoop up anything i can get.

this is what i tell anyone who doubts me...

...but it's also what i have to tell myself. 

drunk.

i'm drunk.

festival.

i know that no one in their right mind would take an alexander mcqueen scarf to a music festival...but we can dream. I WANT THAT SCARF. latitude tix and awesome company will have to do for now though. 

philly jays.

four years on a shoe-string.

an old friend of mine is due to start at uni in september, and asked me (as I have JUST finished my degree!) if i had any advice as regards to cheap living. what a perfect blog opportunity! here goes...

1. budgeting

work out a weekly budget and stick to it! it's worth considering that occasionally time will call for 'one off' items outside of a normal spend; make a note of what these things are likely to be (ie work clothes, books, urgent trips home) so that you don't end up straying off budget with the excuse that that pair of heels/ ben and jerrys stash/ amazon splurge 'doesn't count' because it was only a 'one off' spend. let's be realistic here.

a really great way to stick to your budget is to withdraw the amount you intend to spend each week on the first day of the week; and then leave your card at home if you think you might still be tempted. every time you open your purse, you will know exactly how well you have been spending/ splurging because the evidence is right there!

if you have any left over at the end of the week, you can be cheeky and let it roll over into the next week and have an extravagant 7 days (because you're only human after all), OR you could be a proper goody-two-shoes about this and pop it in a piggy bank. allocate a use for your savings: paying bills, buying birthday and christmas gifts OR just treating yourself; if your piggy bank is nice and heavy, you've earned a treat anyway. GUILT FREE!

when you go food shopping, make a list! don't be tempted by things just because they are on offer. yes, i know it's 2 for £1, but do you really need those party canopes?!

2. lunch time

meet your two new best friends, mr tupperware and mr thermos flask.

there are several ways to save money at lunch time, and it's really important to try to do so as it's unbelievable how much you can end up spending;
a cup of tea: £1.50
a mid morning snack: 75p
a sandwich/ snack/ drink meal deal: £3
....that's just over £5 a day...that's £25 a week!

SO...

you could prep yourself a sandwich each day (loaf of bread, some sliced ham or chicken or cheese, some salady bits = £8 for the week)

you could make enough food at dinner time to have some left over for lunch the next day (caution; will power is required so as not to eat it all at once...)

you could take a thermos of soup each day, plus a few slices of bread/ ryvita/ rice cakes.

as regards snacks: fruit, dried fruit and nuts, carrot sticks are a cheap and healthy alternative to things like crisps and cereal bars. also, if you can buy fruit and nut mixes/ trail mixes etc by weight from a market, it's generally cheaper than buying from the supermarket. and you generally get more choice too.

it sounds really cheeky, but some union coffee outlets or staff canteens will let you have free boiling water...bung a few fruit tea bags in your handbag and save on pricey teas and coffee.


3. dinner time

if you get along with your housemates, suggest taking it in turns to cook for each other. this saves time, and it's cheaper to cook a meal for x number of people every x number of days than it is to cook a meal for one every night of the week. alternatively, cook enough for several days and freeze some. again, portion control is key here...


4. keeping track


i always strived to do this but have only just really started to be really strict with myself. keep a record (in a notebook, on a wall chart, in an excel file) of how much you have spent each week and what you have spent it on; it's a lot easier to keep track of everything. if you have a part time job too, write in how much you have earned. this has only just become really useful for me because i'm saving hard, so it's good to see how far i have to go before i reach my target.

5. don't stress


 stay smart, don't panic, HAVE FUN.


as a wise woman once told me,

'even if i could tell you just how fast time flies, you would never believe me'

that said, try not to look so far into the future (ie post deadline parties, end of year celebrations or even graduation) that you miss out on what's happening right NOW!

good luck amy, you'll have a ball :)

new additions.

ginny

hestia.

yvonne.

I went to the funeral of my great aunt on Friday. She will always be remembered for her loud and beautiful laughter, her love of family, friends and parties and her amazing nail varnish and stiletto collection. This passage of the Bible was read at the ceremony, and even as a self confessed athiest, I can still appriciate the bible as literature, ok? You will be greatly missed Yvonne.

"If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast,but do not have love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails."

careers.

I was wrong, before.

I can still feel like a human being when I am at work. I can still be myself, and be creative and happy. Just because I am not in a museum, or a foreign country, or out with friends, or in a position of influence in my job, it doesn't mean that I have to put myself on hold.

Considering the decision I have made, to put my career on hold for the next 15 months at least, it's really important that I get this notion out of my head that 'life begins when you have a career.' Every day is an opportunity to meet new people, to discover new things (about yourself and about the world), whether you are travelling the world or working in a corner shop, looking after your children or working in a school.

Neither of us have ever 'put our lives on hold', and we never will. There is no such thing.

super powers.

I'm a super hero when I wear my housekeepers' uniform.

• I'm invisible.
• I'm a mind-reader.
• I make tea approximately 120 times a day.

I'm my OWN mother-effin' role model.

But seriously...I am dreading staying in work like this for the next two years...even if I AM in Australia. I need to find something to do which makes me feel like an actual human being in my spare time, because it's not happening in my work time.

cutest tv couple.

dear felicity kendal of the 1970s,

please don't age.

yours sincerely,
chloe x

looses.

last supper.

friday was the last day i cooked for my housemates. and so i treated them to some sushi and grilled rice balls. :)

i found a recipe for rice balls on www.bento.com, but it called for numerous hyper-linked ingredients, which had their very own recipes which took literally weeks to make (reminiscent of polyjuice potion mebe?). so i just mixed sushi rice with some rice vinegar and soy sauce and it seemed to do the trick. dobbed a blob of miso on the top of each one and hey presto!