kate & will.

Yes, OK, I'm going there, a royal wedding post.

I didn't think I would be bothered by it, I didn't plan on watching it. But I did. And I enjoyed it too.

It's wonderful that we can feel so united as a nation. It's happened a lot in recent years; I don't know if it's because I'm just old enough to notice it or because of the economy that it's happening more.I think it's great that we can come together to protest and be passionate. But today, for once, we all came together and were united in celebration. Royalty amongst politicians amongst celebrities amongst everyone else, we were all celebrating one occasion together.

I think that's really beautiful. That the country (and the world) can be so complicated and divided, yet we are all united with the genuine happiness and hope that comes from seeing a young, beautiful, dignified couple starting their lives together.

A lot of the time I find it hard to find energy to be optimistic about my future in this complicated world, so apparently full or turmoil and traps; that everything will collapse on top of me as I struggle to strive forward into adulthood. As a soon-to-be graduate, I am genuinely concerned for the my future, my family's future, my future family's future and the future of the world, when it so consistently feels as though the odds are stacked against all of us. Days like today remind me that, no matter how complicated and difficult and intimidating times can be, love is a constant and over-riding factor.

Congratulations to William and Kate. xx

why there isn't a god.

...from a diplomatic yet dreamily creative, ditsy and somewhat lost young woman's perspective.

Because everything is far too complicated. There can't be a single person who allocates a person or a decision or an event as 'good' or 'bad'.

If there was a God, even if He/ She had no role in determining the outcome of events, but simply watched over them, then they would be able to draw transparent and logical conclusions about the 'goodness' of a person by observing the role of said person in said events.

This is impossible. To assume that any aspect of life or of Earth can be broken down into such simplistic terms is naive, immature and ignorant.

I sincerely believe that if this were the case then the world would be a better place. People don't suffer because of innate evil, or wrong decisions, or actions taken by 'bad' people. People suffer because a single event has infinite consequences, and they can't always be predicted or determined.

I'm not saying that we shouldn't act to minimise suffering. I'm saying that suffering isn't necessarily a result of evil people, who, if God has His/ Her way would be in Hell already. Because I sincerely believe that there is no such thing as Evil; that would just be far too easy an explanation.

heckyeatumblr#10.

http://tumblr.com/xsx1xkgzm5

10. Write about your proudest moment.


The weekend in Sydney with my boyfriend when we first realised we were in love. 


I felt, as of that weekend, that I had seen every side of him that I needed to see in order to come to this conclusion. 


I saw that he was and would be everything I could and would need him to be.


On the train home on Sunday afternoon, in our hungover state, I lay across his lap listening to the new Biffy Clyro album (no jibes here people, I'm not a newcomer to the 'stadium sensation', don't judge) as he slept (probably snoring), and I clearly remember thinking that it was one of the happiest moments of my life.


I had never been more proud. And it was all because I felt (and still feel) so lucky to be with such a loving, gentle, generous, thoughtful, beautiful and selfless man. 

heckyeatumblr#9.

http://tumblr.com/xsx1xkgzm5

9. Write about each of the places which you have called 'home'.


Kelso Road, Bury St Edmunds


This is the house where I grew up. I lived here for 11 happy years with my Mum, Dad, sister and number of guinea-pigs and gerbils. It was a smallish house, with a little garden. I remember that every surface was covered in ornamental pigs or pot plants, courtesy of Mum. We had a rubber plant which grew all the way around the living room ceiling. There was at least one cabinet full of the pigs, and they filled the mantelpiece of the fireplace, in front of which sat four very heavy brass crocodiles, which were most definitely not meant to be toys but were always used as such.


There was one bathroom, which was decorated luminous turquoise and black, with some sort of fish in every potential fishy space (ie on top of the toilet, on the window ledge, on the ceiling).


The upstairs hallway, like the rest of the house, was small, but it managed to have room for a huge copy of Steve Pearson's 'Wings of Love', with an overly ornate gold frame.

The Warren

This is the first house my parents ever looked at buying, but as a newly wed couple they couldn't afford it. Fifteen years later the house went back up on the market and they could - so we moved 10 minutes up the road into a beautiful chalet bungalow with a large (for a town-house) garden. We've been here 11 years now, and since then basically re-built the whole thing, as a lot of work was needed. I love this house. It really is like a warren; there's a main hallway with lots of little rooms coming off it, including a hidden staircase which leads to the upstairs, where I live when I come home now. Nice and private since my sister moved out two years ago. Mum and Dad spend all their time in the garden with various odd jobs and gardening, Mum grows heaps of vegetables when the weather lets her, and Dad takes care of all the fruit trees and rhubarb. There's lots of 'stuff' everywhere, but I love all of it, because it's home. Since my grandparents died, we took on some of the ornaments and furniture and paintings. They lived in a really big old country house with high ceilings; their things look COMPLETELY out of place here, but I think that's pretty cool. My great-grandmother was a painter, and we have several of her paintings up, even though they take up half the bloody wall space.


The Ziggurats
 I lived on campus for my first year at university. I had my own little room in a flat for 14 people on the ground floor of the the 'ziggurats', which are listed buildings. Sharing a kitchen with 13 other people was...interesting. And I definitely wouldn't live there again. But I made some really cool friends, and I am glad I spent my first year there.

Bland Road

I have lived here on and off for the past three years, though with different people as registered 'tenants' at each of the addresses, I have more or less lived with the same group of friends, as everyone loiters and we hang out a lot, and cook for each other. I spend a lot of my time being miserable and whining about the state of the house, as it's pretty gross...no-one else really cleans apart from me. To be honest, it's a shame that I have had to live with the friends that I have lived with because if we had never been housemates I think we would all be closer, as I wouldn't be so angry with them a lot of the time. Despite this, I love being able to eat with my friends every evening, and I love that I have met and got to know some of the most interesting, independent, cultured, obscure (?!), honest, loving and passionate people I think I have ever met. As well as this, adventures with aforesaid house mates make for i) some pretty cool anecdotes and ii) some vital life-lessons in patience....

Evatt House

This is where I lived during my year at Newcastle Uni, Australia. I loved it here. There were two 'quads' comprised of 10 blocks in total, each block being two flats of 10. Each flat had their own 'Residential Assistant', and participated in 'blunctions' regularly, which could have been trips to a restaurant, to a movie, dessert night etc...The college had heaps of activities going on all the time, games and nights out....I miss it :( It's also where I met my boyfriend, Sam. He lived just across the hallway from me...we would stay up late talking on facebook chat because we were too shy to go and see each other...sometimes I could hear him typing...Unfortunately keyboards are a major part of our relationship again now, but not for too much longer. I made some really awesome friends here, and even though lots of them have moved on to new cities/ states, I really hope they can come visit/ I have enough money to go and visit them.

Writing all this is making me very sad. So I'll stop now. 

when you die.

SO MUCH TO TELL YOU: when you die

i really want to watch this movie. but preferably not on my own :)

not long to wait.

denmark, WA.

I made some wonderful, inspiring friends. One day I'll go back and visit them, I just hope I can make them proud.

things to do in nyc #3

#3 People-watch at GCS.

Of course.

a day in the park set.

the date is set but the details are hazy.

i'm going home to see my beautiful boy and a few lovely friends, but leaving home and my beautiful friends and family behind.

things like this are helping to get excited about what the future might bring, instead of worrying.

things to do in nyc #2

#2 Pretend I'm (a better looking) SJP. This includes:

- writing a blog entry whilst pouting and wearing gorgeous shoes.

- eating breakfast in a cafe (hopefully with some girlfriends if i) I make some OR ii) persuade a certain someone to ditch all this 'job' bullshit and come join me) whilst pouting and wearing gorgeous shoes.

- sit in a bar, drinking a cosmopolitan, talking to an attractive man (it may well just have to be the barman, and I understand and accept this) whilst pouting and wearing gorgeous shoes.

- lay on a bed barefoot, talking on the phone, whilst pouting and having just removed gorgeous shoes.

things to do in nyc #1

#1 I want to go running in Central Park. I'm going to start working on playlists NOW.

home for easter.

tea room set.

organisation.

it can be so much fun.

you just need the right stationary!

the shop at boygirlparty.com | blue owl to-do list notepad

portobello in summer.

i want to show you england when it's not brown and murky. it can be really beautiful. summer makes everything better :)

i feel like i'm coming out of hibernation.

heckyeatumblr#8.

http://tumblr.com/xsx1xkgzm5

8. The book that made you a reader.


I hate to say it, but I'm not a reader. I get really impatient with lots of books...

I hate it when you can tell the author is just writing about something that happened to them, or something which they find important but they pass it off as being a character's trait or interest...

I hate it when a book just assumes like you're interested. Just cos I picked up the book don't mean I have to finish it bub.

I just haven't had that much luck with books I suppose, probably because I try and avoid 'easy reads' because I like to think I'm 'better than that'.

It's strange, because when I find a book I enjoy, I love it, it feels amazing, it can really open my mind and I thoroughly enjoy having my mind opened. Last time that happened was probably Revolutionary Road by Richard Yates. And the time before that, probably the Vagina Monologues (yup.). And before that, Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close by Jonathan Safran Foer. And before that, Everything Is Illuminated by Jonathan Safran Foer, and before that, A Short History of Nearly Everything. I think that is every book I have ever read since uni. That's four years. Wow. Yeh, I need to change that....

I just don't know how to find books I won't hate. Because it's about 98% of them.

Oh and I read 'One Day', which was nice, and the movie better be good.


I'm avoiding the question.

When I was a kid I read a LOT more. I remember I took a book with me EVERYWHERE. We went on holiday to Florida and we were in the Hard Rock Cafe. I read my book waiting for the food to arrive, and all of a sudden the music got really loud and all the waiters and waitresses started dancing. I got really annoyed: I just wanted to read my book! I got teased a lot by Mum and Dad, ha. I think it was one of the 'Naughtiest Girl' books by Enid Blyton. Love it.

The first books I remember reading were all Enid Blytons. I remember there was a bookcase in the hallway FULL of them. They were all my Mum's from when she was a little girl, thick hardback books, with lots of pictures. I should try and find them actually, they were pretty cool.

So I guess the short answer is: Enid Blyton books.

cinematic orchestra.

1994.

 an up-side to having a clear out.

heckyeatumblr#7.

http://tumblr.com/xsx1xkgzm5    

7. Explain your religious beliefs.


I'm hungover so this will either be short and sweet or lengthy and confusing.

I find the idea of a God pretty terrifying: that someone is watching and knows everything about me (including my thoughts) and will use this knowledge upon which to base a decision about whether I will spend an eternity hopping around on clouds or being ruthlessly tortured by an angry red man.

But then again, I find the idea of there not being a God pretty terrifying too. This is it, this is all we are: we live, we die, we're gone. Boom.

I suppose my religious beliefs can't really be based on emotional response anyway....either way it's all just plain terrifying.

Anyway. I study Biology. I 'believe' in evolution. I guess that's me then, scientist = atheist.

I don't mean to say that this is purely about the maths of it. So we figure out an equation (evolution), apply it, and disprove a previous hypothesis (ie that there is a Man with a big beard wearing sandals in the sky who loves us all very much, but, given the unavoidable and pending opportunity will see to it that we suffer an eternity of burning damnation if we get a divorce/ have sex before marriage/ are gay etc), and that's that....

I guess what I'm trying to say is that just cos I'm not religious, it doesn't mean I'm not 'spiritual'. Though trust me, I'm not throwing that word around carelessly. To quote Russell Brand (ma fave),

"If you're like me, you'll balk at someone telling you they're spiritual as it's not a very spiritual thing to do, one can scarcely imagine St Francis of Assisi brushing a starling from his shoulder, grasping your palm then brusquely asserting that he's "well religious"."

Gosh I'm rambling. I just realised. Well, I'm not about to re-write this. Sorry Religion, I do understand that you are probably worthy of more than half a page of waffle intertwined with quotes from 'Booky Wook 2' (not the Bible- surprisingly) and some South Park references ...maybe I'll redress our issues at a later date, but at the moment I have got some hefty snoozing to do. Oh tequila you little whore, you are a smelly pirate hooker.

heckyeatumblr#6.

http://tumblr.com/xsx1xkgzm5

6. Write about the person you want to be.

I want to be happy with who I am, and what I can achieve.

I want to be able to actively acknowledge that the my personal wellbeing and health are more important than hours of work I complete in a day.

I want to be able to find the idea of an uncertain future exciting, motivational and inspiring, instead of just plain terrifying.

I want to be able to tell everyone that I love, that I love them and all the reasons why, without feeling embarrassed or shy.

As  regards appearance, without meaing to go all Pussy Cat Doll on yo' ass, if I could just form some sort of hybrid of the above beautiful and inspiring and talented women, that would be pretty awesome too.

the beginning of the end.

Today I handed in my dissertation.

But there were no fireworks, and there was no confetti, and there wasn't even any heroic music in the background.

This was strange.

I proceeded to drink four pints and two shots (on my own partially), then go home and sleep for three hours. Tonight I was supposed to go out and party...

But TBH all I want to do is cuddle up and watch a movie film with my gorgeous boyfriend. I think tonight be the most I have missed The Boy since he left. At least until now I could re-assure myself that I could be productive in his absence. And I could distract myself. 

I want someone to be here to hold me, and tell me I did good. I want someone to eat ice cream with (not that I don't eat ice cream...on my own...in the dark...sobbing). I want to hear all about the random shit he did when he was little. I want to feel awesome about a decision to not go out cos I know there is no such thing as wasting time when I'm with him. 

I just miss you. I am watching Muppet Treasure Island in your honour. And Little Tom gave me ice-cream for my birthday so I will probs eat B&J in your honour too. If I had rum, I would drink it.

I can't wait to share my life with you, even the naff bits where there aren't any fireworks.

heckyeatumblr#5.

http://tumblr.com/xsx1xkgzm5

5. Write a tutorial.

How to stay sane in final year.

You will need:

• friends
• a couple of series of awesome comedy shows
• a kettle
• organisational skills
• an amazing sense of humour
• persistence
• optimism
• last.fm account
• something to look forward to.

This isn't really a stepwise process, just more of a 'apply as necessary' scenario. But here are a few guidelines.

• Make the most of your friends; you can double up here in making them your something to look forward to. Try and go on at least one 'date' a week. It doesn't have to involve alcohol- but it helps.
• Take breaks. I guess if it's a nice day/ you don't live in Britain, you could go outside. If not, grab a blanket and a cuppa and bung in a DVD. Comedy shows are awesome cos they tend to be short and can alleviate any 'pending doom' atmosphere you may have unintentionally created.
• Drink too much tea. NB there is no such thing as too much tea, but it never hurts to test the boundaries.
• Plan ahead. If you're not a planner, at least don't be a panic-er.
• Learn to laugh at the utter hilarity that is your life right now. Cos if you can't laugh- then you will cry.
• One step at a time. Whatever happens this year, it will all be over in a year. Try not to let past failure affect your attitude towards your future success. 
• That said: feel free to let your past success affect your attitude towards your future success.
• Listen to awesome music. Listen while you study (if you can trust yourself to not sing along), listen with friends, listen and dance, listen and run (that running playlist is getting heckers I tell you), listen and SING, listen and smile. Some of my favourite last.fm tags at times like these: #disney #soul #prog rock #jamie cullum
• Book a frickin' holiday. Or at least make a facebook event. When the time comes, you better be ready to fucking celebrate.

No matter how shit things are, remember that in a year, you'll have a job, and things will be even worse! JOKES. Nah, just don't forget to live while you're getting ready to start living.

heckyeatumblr#4.

http://tumblr.com/xsx1xkgzm5

4. When I was younger...

Dear 14 year old Chloe,

Happy Birthday. Have a wonderful day. See you in six years, where I would like to tell you that you will be living in an exotic land, chasing dreams with a gorgeous boy holding your hand, succeeding academically, loving your life and grabbing every single chance with (a little bit too much) intense devotion to being happy. 

You have no idea how much more complicated life will get. Don’t feel patronised, no one expects you to understand. In fact, you should embrace the fact that you don’t, and probably can’t. Life is huge. You are huge.  Continue. So much can happen. So much will happen. I can’t tell you how best to deal with it and you wouldn’t listen anyway. There are no messages you can leave yourself that will make a remote difference to how you will deal with a situation or emotion that will make a blind bit of difference to any of it. Just feel what you feel when you feel it and never be ashamed.

You will never truly or fully appreciate how beautiful anything is until it’s over or gone. But try. Don’t get annoyed with yourself when you fail: it’s ok to be sad sometimes. No one ‘expects’ anything else.

There will always be idiots in your life. There will always be idiots in the world: you can’t expect to get on with everyone and you can’t expect everyone to get along with you. It is hard, and it is upsetting. Know that they don’t have to have a huge impact on how you regard yourself. You have family and you have friends who love you the way they are. And if sometimes you feel otherwise, maybe sometimes you feel alone, just hang on. Hang on and remember: you have a lifetime’s worth of friends out there. So many people will pass in and out of your life, and you always have the opportunity to grab onto the ones who you feel will enrich it. And there will be plenty.

Life carries on after school. Don’t tell anyone I said this but: (it’s not such a big deal.). Life gets bigger. I think life is getting better. Every birthday I have had so far, I think to myself: “That was the best year of my life.”.

Know that your motivation gives you the fuel you need to follow your ideas, intentions and dreams across through to the next ones: and these journeys are made by you. You can chose to let who shares it with you in most respects. You chose the paths you take. You are making this. Credit yourself.

That’s a bit of a joke coming from me.

You will say ‘I love you’ to five different men by the age of 20. By the age of 20, you will only really be sure about one of them, and that might just be because of a chord you just heard a few hours ago....No, this doesn’t get easier. Yes, it does get better.

You owe your family everything. Get to know your grandparents. Get to know your uncle. Immerse yourself in your family. Let them know what they mean to you: never let this pass them by.

By the end of this year, you will have a boyfriend. So stop worrying. (Because we both know that that's all you're really worried about.)

Love you,

20 year old Chloe x

NB this may have been recycled from when I wrote it a few years ago...

adele.

amnesty.

http://gu.com/p/2z728

pea green boat.

heckyeatumblr#3

http://tumblr.com/xsx1xkgzm5


3. Write about a terrible day.


Mum and Dad had got a phone call and left in a hurry with no explanation. Later on they called us to tell us that they were on their way to my Aunty Jane's and that my Uncle David had been in an accident, but that they were waiting on news.


As it turns out, David had been killed a couple of hours before in a car accident. He hated driving, and rarely did, but he'd had a work meeting in London and had been in a traffic jam on the way home when a  lorry driver, asleep behind the wheel, drove into the back of his car. There were 5 other cars and there was 1 other fatality.


Because there was no warning, and there was no time for goodbye, or for messages...David's death will always have significant resonance with me. When we were growing up, he was always there: birthdays, Christmas, even some holidays. He was the fun one. He would throw us up into the air, take us to the zoo, wrestle us to the ground...and it was always even more hilarious because Jane was such the opposite: she, like me, was and is a severe worrier. Having David around just gave her someone to bounce off of, to laugh with, to take things less seriously with (at least that's how I perceived it anyway). That David was such a part of my childhood, and that his part in my life did lessen as I grew up, and then he left so quickly: it feels almost rude. I doesn't feel real. I feel like I didn't matter to him, or that maybe none of us did. It's all so painfully unfair; that he couldn't say goodbye, or how he would remember us. Because I only truely knew him as a child, I want so desperately to have known him as an adult too. I know it's selfish to bring this back to me: but I wanted him to see me grow up. I wanted to make him proud.


I remember talking to him about GCSE options and all he had to say was 'pick the one with the most field trips: even if it means taking German (I hated German); if you can go to Germany, do it.' Him and Jane travelled all over the world. 


I just remember the shock. I remember the disbelief.


The shock has gone, but the disbelief will remain I think. I just wish that I had known him better. Better yet, that I still knew him. 

anger.

As I type, my ears are falling victim to 'Anger' tag radio on last.fm. Feel free to add your own background music. Just make sure it's angry.

In the past 4 years of study, I have had some wonderful wonderful experiences. Coming to university has been the single greatest decision I have ever made.

HOWEVER. When I graduate, I don't just want a BSc (Hons). I also want an Honorary Patience Diploma.

In the past four years of study, I have lived with some truly beautiful, intelligent, fun, enlightening, open minded and genuine people. And in their own little way, I have loved each and every one of them for the special person they are.

HOWEVER.

In the past four years of study, I have lived with some selfish, ignorant and dirty idiots too. I still value who they are and enjoy their company, and I have no doubt we will stay in touch. But I can't wait to not be sharing any of my space with them any more.

That you can share a living space with just 4 other friends without holding any regard for their lifestyle or attitudes is just mind boggling. And it never fails to be. I have hit breaking point so many times. I have cried so many times. I have screamed so many times. I have had countless patient little talks so many times. But it will never come to anything.

I know that there isn't long to go. I know that these people are my friends. But the fact that I know, and my friends know, and my family know that I am far from an unreasonable person- but that I am admitting that I am finding this to be a HUGE mental strain to maintain politeness around these people - has to mean something.

It's time to grow up now.

So clean your fucking shit up.

To put it bluntly, this is all I want:
Hoover floors at least once a week/ when they are dirty!
Clean the sink and draining board at least once a week/ when they are empty!
Empty the bins when they are full!
Wipe down the stove when you have finished cooking!
Clean out the microwave if you make it dirty/ notice it's already dirty!
Do you like looking at pubes on the sink while you're brushing your teeth? Clean the sink when it's dirty!
Clean the shower tray once a week/ when you can see it's dirty!
Put rubbish in the bin (that one's a real challenge.)
Abide by the rules of the contract: yes, our landlord is a dick. This doesn't mean that your disregard of the contract is a good way to get back at him: it means he is much more likely to keep our deposit...So yes, a bit of a paradox there. But just fucking do it, because it's my fucking money.

Basically: yes, it takes effort to keep a house clean. But we're adults living in a shared space. More importantly, we're friends living in a shared space. So respect our space, respect me, respect each other.

Yup.

Now I am going to go for a very very angry run and burn lots and lots of calories. Then I am going to get drunk.

Then I won't be angry anymore.

sam.

i'm yours.